A leading expert featured on CNBC has identified a deeply concerning parenting trend sweeping through many households, particularly in high-pressure environments: families where parental love feels conditional on a child's academic performance. This phenomenon, where achievement takes centre stage, leaves children questioning whether their worth is tied solely to their grades and accomplishments.
The High Cost of an Achievement Culture
This relentless drive for success—where better grades are seen as the only path to elite colleges and a secure future—is cultivating a harmful perfectionism among high-achieving children. Citing growing research, the CNBC report underscores a direct link between this type of perfectionism and elevated rates of anxiety and depression in young people. The expert warns that this narrow definition of success severely limits a child's sense of self-worth.
To shield children from this damaging mindset, the expert proposes a powerful solution: parents must help their kids anchor their efforts in something larger than themselves. When children stop seeing themselves as merely a grade or a test score and start believing they are individuals who matter in the world, everyday stressors become far more manageable.
Three Powerful Ways to Redirect Focus
The expert provides actionable advice for parents to help high-achieving children develop a healthier, more grounded identity.
1. Help Kids Notice Genuine Needs Around Them
Shifting a child's focus outward is crucial. The expert shared an anecdote of a mother who, while heading to a park with her kids, saw an elderly neighbour raking leaves. Even after the neighbour declined help, the mother encouraged her children to assist with the rake and bagging leaves. This simple act of service led to what psychologists call a "helper's high"—the children were delighted by their neighbour's happiness and their own feeling of usefulness. Regular community-oriented acts, like checking on neighbours or volunteering, strengthen a child's sense of belonging and agency.
2. Let Kids Contribute to Daily Chores Meaningfully
One parent, interviewed during the expert's seven-year research, taped a list of family tasks to the front door. Each day after school, her children would sign up for a chore. This consistent practice transformed their self-view from "kids who sometimes help" to "contributors to the family unit". The expert highlighted a key finding: thanking a child for "being a helper" rather than just "helping" significantly boosts their willingness to participate.
3. Make the Invisible Task of 'Caring' Visible
While modelling generosity is important, it's not enough. Parents must verbalise their compassionate reasoning. When performing a generous act—like texting a friend who might be struggling or offering to carry bags—parents should explain the "why" to their children. For instance, saying, "I texted her because I thought today might be hard for her," helps children build a mental model for empathy. These small explanations create an internal script kids can use to understand and replicate altruistic behaviour.
The Ultimate Antidote to Excessive Pressure
In a culture obsessed with metrics and outcomes, guiding children to look beyond themselves is a potent antidote to pressure. The expert concludes that when young people find ways to contribute that aren't judged by external validation, they develop a more grounded sense of identity and understand the meaningful role they can play in their community and the wider world.
