It's a question whispered in family therapy sessions and debated in hushed tones among friends: do parents truly have a favourite child? For generations, the official line has been a firm denial. However, a growing body of psychological research and candid parental confessions are challenging this long-held taboo. The uncomfortable truth, experts now assert, is that most parents do experience feelings of favouritism, though its expression and impact vary widely.
The Psychology Behind Parental Favouritism
The reasons a parent might feel a closer bond or preference for one child over another are complex and multifaceted. It is rarely a simple case of loving one child more. Often, favouritism is rooted in perceived similarities. A parent might feel a natural affinity for a child whose temperament, interests, or personality mirrors their own. This sense of familiarity can make interactions easier and more rewarding.
Conversely, a child who is very different—perhaps more introverted, strong-willed, or interested in unfamiliar pursuits—might require more conscious effort to connect with, which can be misconstrued as lesser favour. Life circumstances also play a crucial role. A child born during a stable, happy period in a parent's life might be associated with those positive emotions. Parenting strategies evolve, too; a parent might be stricter with their firstborn and more relaxed with subsequent children, leading to perceived differences in treatment.
Psychologists emphasise that these feelings are usually fluid, not static. "Favouritism can shift over time and across different stages of life," explains a family therapist. A parent might feel closer to a teenager going through a shared experience, while feeling strained with another. The key is acknowledging these natural fluctuations without letting them solidify into consistent, damaging partiality.
The Impact on Children and Family Dynamics
While parents may believe they hide their preferences perfectly, children are astute observers. Siblings often know, long before it's ever spoken, which child is perceived as the 'golden' one. This awareness can sow seeds of deep-seated resentment, low self-esteem in the less-favoured child, and lifelong rivalry. The 'favoured' child is not immune either; they may struggle with performance pressure, guilt, or anxiety about maintaining their status.
The real damage occurs not from the fleeting feeling of preference, but from how it is acted upon. Consistently unequal treatment in matters of discipline, attention, praise, or resources leaves lasting scars. It can erode trust in the parent-child relationship and poison the well of sibling camaraderie for decades. However, experts clarify that occasional differential treatment, tailored to a child's unique needs, is not only normal but good parenting. The problem arises when the differentiation is chronic and unfair.
Navigating Favouritism with Awareness and Care
So, what can parents do if they recognise these feelings within themselves? The first and most powerful step is self-awareness and acceptance. Denying the feeling only pushes it into the subconscious, where it can manifest in subtle, harmful ways. Acknowledging it privately or with a partner or therapist is healthy.
The next step is conscious compensation. Make a deliberate effort to spend one-on-one quality time with each child, discovering and celebrating their individual strengths. Praise and discipline should be fair and consistent based on actions, not on the child. It is also vital to avoid comparisons, the fuel of sibling rivalry. Instead of saying, "Why can't you be organised like your sister?", address the specific behaviour.
For adult children recognising these patterns from their own childhood, the path involves understanding. Recognising that parental favouritism often speaks more about the parent's inner world and limitations than the child's worth can be a liberating step toward healing. Setting boundaries and focusing on building one's own self-esteem outside of that parental dynamic is crucial.
Ultimately, the revelation that favouritism exists is not a condemnation of parents, who are human and fallible. It is an invitation to greater honesty, empathy, and effort within the family unit. By bringing this open secret into the light, families can work to mitigate its negative effects and foster healthier, more equitable bonds where every child feels uniquely valued, if not identically treated.
