Former India Cricketer Laxman Sivaramakrishnan Reveals Mental Health Battle Rooted in Racism
Former India leg-spinner Laxman Sivaramakrishnan has courageously shared details of a severe mental health crisis during his commentary career, which he directly attributes to decades of enduring racism and color-based discrimination. The 57-year-old, who represented India in 25 international matches between 1983 and 1988, described reaching a point where he "didn't want to see himself in the mirror" and genuinely believed he "was going to die."
Breaking Point During IPL in UAE
Sivaramakrishnan revealed that his struggles intensified dramatically during the Indian Premier League held in the United Arab Emirates amid the COVID-19 lockdowns. "I was down completely and I didn't want to see myself in the mirror," he confessed in an interview with Indian Express. "I would have a couple of drinks and go to sleep because I could not bear anything. Whenever I was awake, I thought I was going to die."
The former cricketer described how his daily routine completely collapsed during this period. He would isolate himself indoors, losing all track of time, and experienced dangerous intrusive thoughts. "Sometimes when we were travelling in Dubai, there's no speed limit. If the vehicle went very fast, something in my mind would tell me to just open the door and jump out. Somehow, something stopped me from doing anything silly," he recalled.
Sleep Disturbances and Hallucinations
Sivaramakrishnan's mental health deterioration manifested in severe sleep disturbances and recurring hallucinations. "You close your eyes, you see images that you can't imagine. All very frightening. You open your eyes, there's nothing. But you're so tired that you want to sleep. You close your eyes for a while, then again, open your eyes. So there goes your sleep," he explained.
He acknowledged that alcohol exacerbated his condition, creating a vicious cycle. "Every time, you manage to tangle yourself tighter and tighter. And you have the whole world outside saying, 'See, I told you. Liquor is the reason. I told you.'"
Commentary Career Discrimination
During his 23-year tenure as a cricket commentator, Sivaramakrishnan faced what he describes as appearance-based discrimination that limited his opportunities. "I've never done a toss or a presentation. I asked one of the producers why. He said, 'We have been instructed by our bosses not to put you.' They said it is to do with me not being presentable," he revealed.
He pointed out the inconsistency in this reasoning by referencing fellow commentator Vijay Amritraj. "The most charismatic and the best in the business is Vijay Amritraj. Is he not dark?" Sivaramakrishnan questioned, highlighting what he perceives as color-based bias in broadcasting decisions.
Early Experiences of Racism in Cricket
Sivaramakrishnan traced these painful experiences back to his formative years in cricket. At just 14 years old, while serving as a net bowler at Chennai's Chepauk stadium, he recalled being mistaken for ground staff by a senior player. "I just looked at him and said, 'That's none of my business,'" he remembered, but the incident left a lasting impact.
He also opened up about experiencing racism within the Indian dressing room during his playing days. Despite making his Test debut at 17 years and 118 days in Antigua in April 1983—becoming India's youngest Test cricketer at the time—he felt marginalized because of his skin color.
Impact on Self-Esteem and Confidence
"Because of my darkness, people would dismiss me. There was a sense of hurt every time this happened," Sivaramakrishnan explained. "I always wanted to forget, forget, forget but deep down, it's always rooted and it comes out. All these things put me in a position where I had very low self-esteem at a tender age... it is very hard to build confidence."
In stark contrast, he found acceptance and camaraderie during the 1983 West Indies tour where he made his debut. He spent considerable time with Caribbean players like Malcolm Marshall and Desmond Haynes, who regularly included him in their activities. "Everybody's skin colour was on the darker side. They were very happy people," he noted, suggesting the different cultural attitude toward skin color provided relief.
Shared Experiences with West Indies Legends
Sivaramakrishnan recalled a particularly meaningful conversation with West Indies batting great Gordon Greenidge, who shared his own experiences facing racial discrimination in England. "He had personally told me that this is what I went through in England and that's why I just mind my business, play my cricket and just go," Sivaramakrishnan recounted, indicating that even successful Black cricketers faced similar challenges in different contexts.
The former leg-spinner's candid revelations shed light on the psychological toll of systemic discrimination in cricket, both during his playing career and subsequent broadcasting work. His story highlights how unresolved trauma from early career racism can manifest in severe mental health challenges decades later, particularly during periods of stress like the pandemic lockdowns.
Sivaramakrishnan's willingness to speak openly about his mental health struggle represents a significant contribution to ongoing conversations about racism in sports and the importance of addressing its long-term psychological consequences.
