In the curated world of Instagram reels and aesthetic feeds, a new dating menace is on the rise: the performative partner. This modern phenomenon, where relationships feel more like a staged display than a genuine emotional connection, is leaving a trail of confusion and heartbreak, particularly among Gen Z.
The Digital Facade: When Dating Feels Like a Performance
Experts and real-life stories highlight a troubling trend where individuals project a carefully crafted persona, often aligned with social media trends, to attract partners. Dr Divya Nallur, Clinical Director at Amaha, explains that dating such a person makes the relationship feel inauthentic. "The relationship often begins to feel more like a display than a genuine emotional connection," she says.
This was the exact experience of a woman whose college friend dated a man obsessed with his Instagram feed. He presented a 'green flag' persona online—posting pictures of perfect dates and flowers—but was brash, controlling, and borderline misogynistic in private. His partner confessed, "Dating him feels like living a life exposed to public scrutiny, all the time."
The Real-World Impact: Emotional Betrayal and Mental Strain
The consequences of falling for a performative partner can be severe. Anila Rampuria, a mental health expert and founder of Music Verandah, describes the adopted persona as a "psychological burden—comparable to carrying an additional 15 kg of weight." This distancing from one's true self leads to insecurity, fear, and eroded self-worth.
For the victim, the discovery of the deception is profoundly damaging. Shambhavi Singh, a 25-year-old civil service aspirant, shared her story of dating a man who faked his religious views. Initially, he seemed to share her perspectives, but two months in, she was "fighting for my life trying to explain to him the difference between mythology and history." After the breakup, she was plagued by shame and self-doubt, questioning how she was so easily fooled.
Dr Nallur adds that the short-term effects include confusion and self-doubt, while long-term exposure can damage self-esteem and the ability to form secure, trusting relationships.
How to Spot a Performative Partner
So, what are the red flags? According to Dr Nallur, watch out for these key signs:
- A strong emphasis on how things look to the public.
- Behaviour that changes drastically depending on the audience.
- Affection that is shown more openly in public than in private.
- A consistent tendency to avoid difficult or deep conversations.
Rachit Sethi, an IT professional from Pune, has his own method. Tired of "pretentious" people, he uses right-wing leaning reels on dating apps to see how potential matches react, weeding out those he believes are just performing wokeness.
Ultimately, as Rampuria concludes, relationships built on inauthenticity have fragile foundations. The performance is unsustainable, and when the act falters, the relationship crumbles, leaving emotional wreckage in its wake.
