Popular culture often portrays love as a whirlwind of passion, excitement, and breathless moments. Romantic heroes are depicted as intense figures who sweep you off your feet. However, most films end precisely when the real journey begins—after the 'I do.' What happens when the initial madness fades? English novelist Louis de Bernières offers a profound perspective in his 1994 novel Captain Corelli's Mandolin, where he distinguishes between being in love and love itself.
Love Is Not Breathlessness
In the novel, de Bernières writes, 'When you fall in love, it is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake, and then it subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots are to become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness; it is not excitement; it is not the desire to mate every second of the day. It is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every part of your body. No … don’t blush. I am telling you some truths. For that is just being in love; which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over, when being in love has burned away. Doesn’t sound very exciting, does it? But it is!'
The Temporary Madness of Infatuation
When a romance is fresh, we all experience that initial madness—intrusive thoughts, electric skin, the sense that this person is the only oxygen in the room. But this is not love; it is infatuation. What comes after is what truly matters. The excitement and breathlessness are fleeting, and real love is built on what remains once the initial frenzy subsides.
When the Trembling Settles
Somewhere between six months and two years into a relationship, the madness subsides. Texts become less electric, habits that once seemed cute start to annoy, and the passion wanes. At this point, many people question whether they have fallen out of love or if they are with the wrong person. This is a dangerous phase because popular romance narratives often sell the idea of constant intensity. De Bernières understood that the subsiding is not the end—it is the beginning of the crucial question: Do I want to grow toward this person?
Love Is Beyond Infatuation
Love is beyond that initial madness. Real relationships are not built on breathlessness or excitement. They are not about the urge to be intimate every moment or the anticipation of passion. Love is what remains after the excitement fades. If the leftovers include trust, respect, care, shared life, loyalty, and kindness, then you have found true love—the kind that lasts. As de Bernières eloquently puts it, love is what is left over when being in love has burned away. And that, he says, is worth everything.
