In an era where digital algorithms amplify provocative voices and patriarchal norms persist, raising boys in India requires a deliberate approach focused on critical thinking and humanistic values. Abhimanyu Khosla, a retired bank officer from Shimla, shares his family's journey of nurturing their son and daughter through thoughtful conversations and the Socratic method.
The Dinner Table Classroom
For as long as our children were in the house, we never asked them about homework or test scores at the dinner table. Instead, this time was reserved for meaningful conversations about capitalism, Marxism, feminism, and various ideologies. We debated politics, history, and current events, creating an environment where both our daughter and son could develop their thinking skills.
The approach was similar for both children, but the concerns differed significantly. With our daughter, we worried about her safety, autonomy, and place in a world that still makes women fight for basic rights. With our son, our concern centered on whether he would grow into a man uncorrupted by the poisons of patriarchy and fundamentalism.
Navigating Gender Stereotypes Through Dialogue
Boys attending all-boys schools are particularly vulnerable to developing biases as casual banter often hardens into prejudice. Children frequently parrot what they hear at home, on television, or online without questioning its validity. The digital environment exacerbates this problem by amplifying the most provocative voices.
Our chosen tool was not lecturing but the Socratic method. When our children made problematic statements, such as our son claiming women are bad drivers while teasing his sister, or our daughter citing studies about women being bad at math after a disappointing test result, we never responded with scolding or denial.
Instead, we approached these statements with clinical vigor, asking Why do you think so? and encouraging them to examine their assumptions. Our son might observe that his mother and sister lack confidence behind the wheel, to which we would acknowledge this truth while pointing out that his female cousins are excellent drivers. The conversation would then evolve into discussing whether one example establishes a rule.
Building Foundations of Critical Thinking
Children rarely change their minds during arguments, but they think later. We consciously nudged them toward critical thinking rather than forcing agreement or dismissing their views as immature. Every Indian generation has heard the phrase agar wo kuwein mein kudega toh tum bhi kud jaoge? (if he jumps into a well, will you follow?), highlighting the danger of peer pressure.
We encouraged our children to question everything, especially blanket statements, and to challenge everyone including us with well-reasoned arguments presented respectfully. The first lessons in being civilized begin with language please, thank you, may I which are habits of respect. Teaching children to accept no is as crucial as teaching them to ask nicely, forming early foundations for understanding consent and humility.
When our children were little and got into a physical scuffle, a relative intervened with the common refrain Boys don't hit girls. This bewildered our son, who asked why gender should shield his sister from consequences or condemn him to restraint. I stepped in to clarify that neither should hit the other because hitting is always wrong.
The Long-Term Impact of Humanistic Parenting
We raised both children in what we call the school of humanism. While we couldn't control what they encountered online or heard from friends, we carefully curated their home environment with thoughtful articles, films watched together, and lively dinner table conversations. We never nagged them about studying, instead encouraging them to be accountable to themselves first.
Now that our children are adults our son in university and our daughter a working professional for nearly a decade they understand they are accountable for their own lives, decisions, and actions. Raising a boy is not about protecting the world from him or him from the world. It's about helping him grow into a man who listens and questions, who stands up for what he believes is right.
This approach represents a slow project of evolving together, one question at a time. In this process, parents learn as much as the child, creating a mutual journey of growth and understanding that prepares young men to navigate India's complex social landscape with wisdom and compassion.
