Gone are the days when a father's role was limited to pampering his daughter while the mother handled the heavy lifting, especially during adolescence. Across the world, some dads are smashing stereotypical parenting boundaries to support their daughters' menstrual journeys and help them navigate crushes and relationships. This Father's Day, three girl dads share how they dealt with first periods and first crushes.
'We used to discuss toys. Now, we talk boys, and that’s cool'
When 14-year-old Tara wants to talk about crushes or decode conversations with a boy, she runs to her 'dada'—Srinivas Chaganti. A finance professional, Chaganti has built a strong bond with his daughter. “Toys are important to them when they are kids. Boys are important to them at this age. So, why shouldn’t we talk about them?” he says. He has even helped Tara think of ways to strike up a conversation with a boy she was interested in.
Chaganti and his wife Seemanthini Iyer, a parenting educator, decided early on that theirs would be a gender-agnostic household with open communication. Chaganti has never used typical 'trad dad' dialogues like “focus on your studies.” He was the first to talk to Tara about periods when she was eight. “I used to read storybooks with Tara, and one day she picked a book called ‘Just for girls’ off the shelf, so I read it with her and that led to a chat about growing up changes,” he says. A year later, during a road trip, they discussed puberty again, covering periods, breast enlargement, and other changes. “I wanted her to be mentally and emotionally prepared for it,” he says.
Chaganti grew up in a conservative home where menstruation was taboo. “I didn’t even understand much. I got to know about what women go through only after marriage, and that’s why I decided to support my daughter.” Dating and sex are not taboo topics in their home. To get Tara to open up, he talked about his own crushes. He told her in a “matter-of-fact way” that “One day you will like someone and he will like you, and maybe your hormones will take over, and you will have the odd kiss. It’s very normal.” He also discussed that she should have sex only when she feels physically safe and mentally and emotionally ready. “I want Tara to be comfortable enough to talk to me about anything. God forbid, if she ends up in an abusive relationship, at least she would be able to turn around and say, ‘Dad, this guy did this and I didn’t like it. What should I do?’”
Making plaits to navigating puberty: 'I had to learn it all'
Ujjwal Nagar took his five-year-old daughter Lavishka on a trek, but forgot to learn how to comb a girl’s hair and make a plait or ponytail. He took help from fellow female trekkers and later practiced for days to master the skill. “It doesn’t come naturally to men. This was one of the toughest tasks to learn. I would often get into a tangle doing it,” he says. Now he is a pro. In 2018, Lavishka, then seven, became the youngest person to complete the Roopkund trek.
Lavishka is now 15 and an accomplished track-and-field athlete who travels for competitions eight to ten times a year. Nagar accompanies her while his wife stays back. “As I am the parent who is with her, I had to learn a lot of things in order to teach her. I spoke to her about safe and unsafe touch as well as periods,” he says. When Lavishka turned 10, Nagar and his wife started preparing her for menstruation. “The only challenge was how to put it as simply as possible so that a 10-year-old understands. There was no point in going into the science of it, I preferred to use analogies,” says Nagar. He ensures they always carry supplies, and periods have never stopped Lavishka from training or competing.
After Lavishka turned 13, Nagar had “multiple short chats” with her about boys and dating. “She is comfortable talking to me about everything. She told me when a boy proposed to her, and she turned him down,” he says. Nagar believes it is better to have a pre-emptive talk rather than waiting till something happens.
'I wanted my daughter to enjoy her periods, not feel punished'
Sazeal Shah (43) remembers being asked not to go near his mother when he was two or three years old because a crow bit her. He felt upset. He saw his mother being secluded and not allowed in the kitchen or to touch pickle on certain days. After marriage, his wife also sat on the floor to eat during her period. When his daughter Hrihii was born in 2012, he decided he would never treat her differently and would ensure her first period was a happy occasion. “I wanted my daughter to enjoy her periods and not feel punished,” he says.
Shah spoke with Hrihii when she was around 11 to mentally prepare her for puberty. He made a period research document about what different communities do when their girls attain puberty. “Families in the south do a puja, make good food and give their daughters a gift when she gets her first period. Unfortunately, I was not in town when she got her first period, so I couldn’t do what I had planned,” he says. Later, after attending a puja, Shah spoke to Hrihii about Shakti Peeth in India, including the Kamakhya mandir, to explain that there should be no shame associated with menstruation. “I told her that perhaps in the olden times, people did not want women to physically tire themselves doing housework, so they told them to lie down in a room and over time, that kind of led to them being treated as untouchables during those days of the month.”
Hrihii is now 13 and very comfortable discussing her monthly cycle with her dad. She even asks him for a back massage when she is in pain. Shah has also spoken to her about dating, telling her she can come to him when there is a boy in her life. “I just tell her to ensure the boy loves her more than I love her,” he laughs.
