For months, actress Krishi Thapanda fought inner demons that no one else could fight for her. She stopped showing up, not just in public, but in her own life. What happened in her personal life became conversation, controversy, and commentary. But for her, there was only silence and darkness.
Isolation and Darkness
“I stayed alone in the house for months… in the dark, in silence,” she says. “I didn’t know what to do.” In her first exclusive interview following her ordeal, she emphasizes that she is not here to explain her side or justify things, but to reclaim something far more basic: the right to heal. Having been part of the Kannada film industry for over a decade, she had never faced any controversy. “I have always been myself, living my life, peacefully. But this one controversy defined my life,” she states.
Judged by a Single Incident
“It felt like I was public property. Like in a movie theatre, anybody could come, say anything, and go,” Krishi recalls. What unsettled her most was not just what was said, but what wasn’t asked. “Nobody asked where it started from. Nobody cross-checked facts. One incident defined my entire life. People forgot who I was for 35 years.” She chose silence, but that came at a cost. “I stayed quiet and my silence was taken as weakness.”
Fighting Alone
When the noise peaked, Krishi withdrew completely. “I fought alone. I figured it out alone. I was isolated. I didn’t have anyone around me,” she admits. The isolation slowly turned into something more dangerous. “I was suicidal… I didn’t know how I was still here.” She pauses, then adds, “My brain kept telling me, ‘You can live, you have dreams.’ But my body was not supporting me. It felt like my brain and body were not in sync anymore.”
Choosing Help Over Death
The noise became so overwhelming that Krishi lost all hope. “I wanted to die, but I couldn’t,” she says. “So, I had to choose - either die or take help.” She decided to reach out to professionals. “I was told therapy is not enough, and needed psychiatric help, too. I am still taking both. Every week.” She has since been public about her mental health battle. “There is no need to be embarrassed. When you are clinically depressed, you are not capable of doing it on your own. You need help,” she explains.
The Burden of ‘Strength’
Krishi says what she needed most during that time was not strength to deal with the ordeal, but a safe space to share her thoughts. “At some point, the word ‘strong’ started irritating me,” she says. “If I come to you, I don’t want to be strong. I want to be weak. I want comfort.” She explains how depression altered her perception. “My doctor told me, it’s like wearing dark glasses and looking at the world. Everything feels dark.”
Fear of Smiling
Months later, recovery remains fragile and easily disrupted. “Even today, I am scared to smile,” she admits. “Because I feel like if I look happy, it will trigger something again.” She adds that it feels like there is no getting over something like this. “You take two steps forward… and something pulls you back again.”
Social Media as a Lifeline
Showing her raw and unfiltered life on social media, where she broke down while finding the urge to get through, was not meant to go viral. It was her way of journaling, one step toward healing. “My doctor told me I have to start communicating in some way. I didn’t have the strength to talk to people, so I started recording my day. It became like journaling.” The response changed everything. “Until that day, I had only seen hatred. But after that reel, thousands reached out.” She recalls messages from women saying, “From today, you are not alone. We are with you.” That was her first ray of hope.
Content Creation as Livelihood
Krishi now has clarity about the duality of social media. “Social media can be as bad as it gets,” she says. “But it can also get you back on your feet.” Today, it is also her livelihood. “I have to show up. This is my bread and butter. Bills will not wait for me to get better.” Creating content gave her structure and purpose. “It kept me going. It gave me work. It made me independent again.”
Choosing to Live
If there is one thing Krishi is certain about now, it is that she no longer wants to justify her life. “I am not saying support me or talk good about me. Just don’t talk. Let it go. Let people live their life,” she says. “My healing has just taken 10 steps. I have a long way to go, but I will keep working on myself. I'm broken, but I'm learning how to live again.”
