The Comedic Critique of Modern Marriage
As a stand-up comedian, I often joke that at 53, I'm not in a bad marriage, but by casual observation, it could be said I'm in a boring one. These days, my husband and I get more excited about finding non-dairy pizza than we do about each other. Unsurprisingly, this line gets the biggest laughs from married couples—they know the score all too well. Long-term relationships are great, but they are, well, very long.
The Reality of Long-Term Unions
It's not new news that most marriages last well past the honeymoon phase. Yet, we manage to get by. For some, children come along and exhaust them into not noticing the monotony. For others, careers provide adequate validation and even excitement. For us, it's the unending search for pop-up kitchens. But there are the chosen few who decide not to fill the void with gluten-free strudel. Instead, like a law firm with more work than it can handle, they boldly take on another partner.
Gender Dynamics in Alternative Relationships
Men are more likely to seek this setup than women, mainly because historically, they could. They were, and as a rule still are, financially more secure. This is a crucial point because expendable income plays a key role in maintaining two major relationships. Just think about cab fares back and forth between two residences—that alone would deter most men.
However, honestly, the main reason men do this more than women is that women have actually given this setup some thought. It only sounds like fun on the surface. In reality, no one wants two sets of in-laws, two sets of bro friends, and two sets of children. Some women would likely prefer to buy a ridiculously overpriced handbag than spend their hard-earned money on an extra guy, no matter how cute, interesting, or fun he might be.
The Financial and Emotional Costs
Gentlemen, the fact is nothing comes close to Italian leather and French design. A woman who earns enough money to afford this ludicrous two-household lifestyle is not going to opt for nurturing yet another relationship. One is headache enough, after all.
The Rise of Alternative Relationship Models
But regardless of who is doing what and with whom, it's no longer a secret that the general population is a bit tired of marriage as it stands. Besides the two-households-one-householder model, I hear open marriages, polyamory, and throuples are gaining traction. There must be several other combinations meant to make "till death do us part" less tedious. Some of these combos I haven't even heard of because I refuse to use AI to keep up with trends.
Arguing for the Abolition of Marriage
Frankly, I'm unclear why we're still trying to keep marriage as a concept alive. Clearly, it has run its course. The next generation should be allowed to remain legally single—nay, they should be forced to remain legally single. For this to happen, everyone will have to be financially independent, and women will have to refuse to have kids. This is a brilliant suggestion, especially since we have enough kids to keep our population going for a while, so I'm not causing any major social disruption.
We must kill marriage because no matter how well-planned and executed all these other permutations seem, someone is always left wanting. I recently hung out with a couple who tried to open their marriage. It was going swimmingly as long as she was out and about, but the moment he returned the favor, all hell broke loose. In a flash, everyone went from smug to miserable.
Personal Reflections and Humorous Realism
In closing, I want to be real with you all. I too have pondered open marriage, but I've come to see it's not for me. Not because I have a finely tuned moral compass, but because I have a finely tuned sense of reality—my chances of pulling someone new are slim to none. No one wants a middle-aged lady who carb-loads, is cranky, and needs to urinate three times a night, sometimes before making it to the bathroom (just kidding, maybe not).
These are not circumstances under which one throws open the gates to Eden. I keep our marriage closed to spoil his fun, not mine. Plus, I'm saving for a Prada bag. The writer is a stand-up comedian, offering a witty yet insightful look at the evolving landscape of relationships in today's society.
