From a very young age, children in India and across the world learn a fundamental lesson: love and acceptance are often safest when they are earned. This understanding begins in the earliest years of life, shaped by a smile after a top grade, a pat on the back for good behaviour, or applause for a displayed talent. These moments, while rooted in affection, quietly teach a child that making their parents proud is a paramount goal.
The Unspoken Burden of Expectations
While these sentiments are natural, they can slowly transform into a powerful, hidden force that follows a child from their early years through adolescence and into adulthood. This pressure is rarely stated outright. Most parents never explicitly demand perfection or extraordinary success. In fact, many genuinely believe they are being supportive and encouraging.
However, children possess a sharp, intuitive awareness. They constantly measure themselves against siblings, cousins, neighbours, and classmates. They pick up on unspoken messages, subtle shifts in tone, and behavioural cues that signal a lack of satisfaction. They internalise all of this, building their self-esteem on a foundation of accomplishment rather than on inherent self-worth or awareness.
One of the most significant factors amplifying this pressure is the theme of sacrifice. Hearing statements like, "We did everything for you," or "We just want a better life for you," can instil a deep sense of debt rather than gratitude. The child comes to believe that their failure would not just be their own, but a failure of their parents' sacrifices and dreams.
Cultural Amplifiers and Emotional Consequences
In many Indian families, cultural and social values intensify this dynamic. A child's intelligence, accomplishments, and social standing are frequently seen as a reflection of good parenting. Children become vessels for their parents' hopes and dreams, and representatives of the family's social stature. This places them under immense pressure to choose paths that uphold family honour, even if those paths contradict their personal interests.
The emotional toll on children subjected to this pressure to please is profound. They are at a high risk of developing anxiety, perfectionism, and a crippling fear of failure. Many learn to hide their struggles, believing that showing weakness would disappoint their parents. Over time, they can lose their authentic sense of self, becoming experts at meeting external expectations while losing touch with their own desires and identity.
Ironically, this dynamic can also create distance between parent and child. When approval feels conditional, honesty becomes risky. Instead of sharing doubts, failures, or unconventional ideas, children often choose silence and conformity to maintain the connection.
Breaking the Cycle of Conditional Approval
Ending this cycle requires recognition and effort from both parents and children. The role of parents is crucial. Love must be consciously decoupled from success. Parents can express pride in a child's effort, character, resilience, and authenticity, not merely in their trophies, ranks, or accolades.
Educational institutions also have a part to play by fostering environments that value holistic development over mere academic performance. For children and young adults, the first step toward liberation is simply becoming aware of this invisible pressure. Understanding that parental demands often spring from love and concern, not a desire to dominate, can help soften feelings of guilt and resentment.
Developing the ability to articulate personal boundaries, fears, and dreams is challenging but essential for emotional freedom. Ultimately, the greatest source of a parent's pride should not be found in championships or certificates, but in seeing their child live with integrity, confidence, and authenticity. Allowing oneself to be who they truly are, not who they believe others will love, is perhaps the greatest gift a young person can give themselves.
