In life, we often encounter phrases used with such enthusiastic alacrity that they have ceased to have any real meaning: Spirit of Mumbai, Holy Roman Empire, Income Tax Returns. And in football: Joga Bonito. What exactly is Joga Bonito, or the Beautiful Game? Beauty, after all, lies in the eye of the beholder. For Jose Mourinho, beauty is parking the bus. For Marcelo Bielsa, it is playing properly even if the team loses. Is it really better to lose beautifully than win ugly? Just ask any Arsenal fan if they prefer losing beautifully after playing Wengerball or winning after playing haramball. Brazilians and their fans across the world – particularly in the extended Brazilian province of West Bengal – have pondered this conundrum for a long time. Of course, history will show that Brazil has neither played beautifully nor won since 2002, but nostalgia is more powerful than reality.
Cunha Shines for Brazil
Now, in Carlo Ancelotti, they have European football's most proven winner, who chose Matheus Cunha to start at Number 9 instead of Igor Thiago. The Brazilian brought his Manchester United form over, scoring twice and breaking out his now-signature surfing celebration. Cunha's off-the-ball movement brought the best out of Vinicius Jr as well, who was involved a lot more and even dropped deep to help Brazil defensively. Haiti are not the most decorated opponents, but fans will be happy with what they saw.
Tartan Army's Spirit vs Morocco
Meanwhile, the Tartan Army have been winning the hearts and minds of waitresses and cancer patients in Boston, and baulking at the thought of drinking Bud Light. However, their team has failed to match that spirit on the pitch after losing to Morocco. They now face elimination unless they come up with something magical against Brazil. A draw might allow them to qualify as one of the best third-placed teams, and perhaps all the good karma their fans have racked up could help.
US Beats Australia in Unofficial World Football Championship
Meanwhile, the Australians could not make the USA pay for their pundit's insouciance. For those who missed yesterday's column, American pundit Mike Grella had caused much consternation Down Under when he called the Australian team a good lay-up for Team USA. A furious nation was waiting for revenge, much like the break-the-guitar swimming showdown of 2000 between the two teams at the Sydney Olympics, but it was the US who won 2-0 thanks to an own goal and a header by Alexander Freeman. However, the 2-0 scoreline flatters the Americans, who toyed with the Aussies throughout the match.
The Trump Doctrine is: 'We are America, b****, we do what we want.' The Pochettino Doctrine, even though he is Argentinian, is similar. It is: 'We're America, we don't take s***.' And to be fair, Argentinians are honorary Americans since Javier Milei took over. The Aussies certainly learned that, and America also won what is known as the Unofficial World Football Championship. Since 1872, there has been an Unofficial World Football Championship, which passes like a boxing title or the Elder Wand: whoever defeats the incumbent becomes the champion. The current holder was Australia, who were beaten by the US, after the title had recently changed hands when Australia beat Turkey. Of course, Turkey have a chance to get the title back if they can beat the US in their next match.
Turkey's Goal Drought Continues
That, however, will be easier said than done after Turkey lost to 10-man Paraguay. Miguel Almiron made history as the first man to get a red card for covering his mouth, which is ironic given much of the world's troubles could be solved if the president of the country hosting the World Cup could cover his mouth or just stop speaking for a while. The rule, which seems like a rather strong rebuttal to America's First Amendment, is designed to stamp out racism. Paraguay took the lead in 64 seconds – the fastest goal so far in the tournament – before Almiron was sent off. Turkey's attack, meanwhile, was reminiscent of Ian Holloway's 'couldn't score in a brothel' maxim, as they failed to score despite 32 attempts on goal. Against Australia, they had 30 attempts, which means Turkey now have the most attempts on goal, 62, in a two-match span without scoring in the World Cup. While it is cold turkey time for their fans, Paraguay can still qualify as one of the best third-placed teams.
Today's Showdowns: Netherlands vs Sweden, Germany vs Ivory Coast
Now, today, we have some proper showdowns. Two European giants who have never won the World Cup go head-to-head: Netherlands and Sweden. This might be one of the more dangerous Swedish teams, and they will take on a lacklustre Dutch side that does not really have the sparkle of yesteryear but still have proven winners. One battle that will carry on from the Premier League is Isak vs Virgil van Dijk, but the smart money will still be on the Netherlands. Meanwhile, eternal favourites Germany take on Ivory Coast, who will prove a tougher team to beat than Curacao. In the other matches, Ecuador now face Curacao, who will hope to be the team that were losing 1-2 to Germany in the first half and not the one that conceded five goals in the second. The final game is between Japan and Tunisia. The latter are the only team in this World Cup to change their manager after the 5-1 thrashing by Sweden, and have picked Herve Renard, who just happens to be the man who led Saudi Arabia to a famous win over Argentina four years ago. By this time tomorrow, we will have a much clearer picture of who is in, who has a chance, and who is going home.
Off the Field: Zlatan and Henry's Viral Video
A video has gone viral of Zlatan Ibrahimovic and Thierry Henry showcasing their ball skills in the studio, but the interesting thing is the song they chose as its leitmotif: a Junkie XL remix of Elvis Presley's 'A Little Less Conversation'. Those words will give an immediate flashback to football fans of a certain age, who first heard it in a Nike ad called Secret Tournament, where eight teams of elite footballers face off in a cage match with only one rule: first goal wins. It is emceed by Eric Cantona, who is now condemned to turn up in every Nike ad until he shuffles off his mortal coil and will probably even turn up then as an AI consciousness. As the Frenchman said in 2019 while accepting the UEFA President's Award: 'As flies to wanton boys, we are for the gods. They kill us for their sport. Soon the science will not only be able to slow down the aging of the cells – soon the science will fix the cells to the state. And so we will become eternal. Only accidents, crimes, wars will still kill us, but unfortunately crimes and wars will multiply. I love football. Thank you.' Thanks to the rapid strides in artificial intelligence, we might become eternal after all. Cantona may yet return as a Nike-funded hologram, telling us that first goal still wins. And whether Brazil win beautifully, America win unofficially, or Turkey keep shooting into the void, football will still reduce us to the same old plea: a little less conversation, a little more action. And we will definitely always love football.
