When love is new, the world often appears through a rosy, optimistic lens. In the pursuit of romance and emotional connection, individuals frequently overlook potential warning signs, choosing instead to dwell in a comforting bubble of affection. However, when one's personal history is marked by chaos and trauma, these unresolved issues can negatively shape current relationship dynamics, making it hard to distinguish between genuine connection and harmful patterns.
Expert Insight on Love's Illusions
Dr Amy Tran, a clinical psychologist, recently outlined five specific signs for CNBC Make It that many people mistake for passionate chemistry but are actually significant red flags. Understanding these can be the first step toward building healthier, more secure bonds.
1. The Perpetual State of Anxiety
If your past has involved relationships where love was intertwined with anxiety, your nervous system may now perceive this mix as normal. Behaviours like receiving mixed signals, experiencing hot-and-cold treatment, and facing inconsistency can feel intimately familiar rather than alarming. You might find yourself constantly on edge about the relationship's status and your partner's feelings, misinterpreting this anxiety as excitement or passion.
2. The Addiction to Dramatic Highs and Lows
Longing for someone when they are distant and feeling a rush of relief when they finally pay you attention can create a narrative straight out of a dramatic film. This cycle is physiologically addictive. Stress triggers the release of cortisol, which activates the brain's reward pathways. Consequently, you may unconsciously seek out conflict, unpredictability, and intense emotional swings because they provide the chemical 'hit' your body has been conditioned to crave.
3. The Compulsion to Return
Feeling irresistibly drawn to someone, believing they are 'the one,' is not always a sign of destiny or deep compatibility. Often, it can indicate an attempt to heal an old, unhealed wound by repeatedly engaging in a similar dynamic. You might convince yourself that 'the timing was wrong before' and that you can control the outcome this time. This false sense of control only deepens the emotional injury.
4. Mistaking Jealousy for Passion
If you find it thrilling to provoke jealousy in your partner, this is not a harmless game or proof of chemistry. It is a manifestation of personal insecurity. These actions are often a test, a way to force your partner to 'prove' their desire for you. The underlying thought is, "If they fight for me, it means they truly love me."
5. Discomfort with Calmness
While 'butterflies' are romanticised, a truly healthy relationship should primarily feel grounded and safe. If your nervous system is accustomed to chaos, stability can feel boring or unsettling. This may lead you to believe the connection lacks spark, prompting you to unconsciously create tension or conflict to reignite the familiar feeling of anxiety. It's crucial to understand that a lack of constant drama doesn't mean a lack of chemistry; it means the absence of harmful, persistent anxiety.
Breaking the Cycle for Healthier Relationships
Every individual enters a relationship with their own emotional baggage and learned patterns. The vital step toward change is first to notice these recurring, negative dynamics. Experts advise slowing down, consciously processing past traumas, and actively working to unlearn these destructive habits. Building self-awareness is the foundation for choosing partners and fostering connections that are genuinely nurturing rather than painfully familiar.
